


Fallen from grace

by lady_caroline



Category: The Queen's Gambit (TV)
Genre: Abstinence, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Chess, Comfort/Angst, Divergent Timelines, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, F/M, Grief, Mending, Romance, Self-Discovery, Slow Burn, True Love, but not so slow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:34:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27546898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_caroline/pseuds/lady_caroline
Summary: Beth hits bottom after her failure at Paris tournament. Alone and sad, she seems to forgo life but there’s still hope. He’ll do whatever he can to be her strength.
Relationships: Beth Harmon/Benny Watts
Comments: 15
Kudos: 150





	1. Where is she?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, I guess I'll see how it goes! Also my native tongue is not English but Spanish (I’m from Argentina). Forgive my possible mistakes. Having said that, hope you enjoy it!

**NEW YORK**

**BENNY**

He’s not sure. He doesn’t know if he should try to seek her out or not. The last thing he said to her is to never call him again. _Over the fucking phone._ And now Beltik’s call… He never really liked him, but he knows he cares for Beth, plus the fact that he’s actually closer. And after her Paris performance and her home’s fiasco, he’s worried. She really hadn’t say much about any of those matters at the time, but he’d be a fool to believe she’s fine with either of them.

He glances at his watch, 8:15. If he heads out now he could be in Kentucky by night…

He replays Harry’s words in his head _“I’ve seen her at the supermarket… She looked dizzy and tired, with a bag full of bottles. I tried her home, but I got no answer… One of her neighbours said she fell on the street while taking her trash out the other day. No surprise, he said, armfuls of empty bottles. I don’t know, Benny. He might talk to you. I’m really worried about her.”_

**_Really worried about her._ **

Ten minutes later, he locks after him, bag in hand, and opening his car’s door.

* * *

**KENTUCKY**

**HARRY**

He steps out from his office to get a soda, and to check on the new alley assistant they hired not over a week ago, when he sees her at the crystal section. His heart skips a beat. It’s been nearly a year since he last saw her face to face but she can still disarm him. He starts to head her way when he really sees her: thin, pale, tired and unstable. With her dark glasses and a big bag full of bottles at her feet. Alcohol. Too much for just her alone, what the hell is she doing? He wants to scream when he sees her nearly falling over her bag. He’s standing at the end of the store, he checks the clock hanging on the wall above his head: 10 AM. He’s rooted at his spot as he sees her go, unsteadily, towards the exit.

It’s nearly five in the afternoon when he’s heading out the store. He’s tired, but worried. All he did today was worry about Beth’s wellbeing. She’s completely wasted, literally wasting away in front of anybody who had eyes to see.

He remembers the little flasks of blue pills all over her house and decides to check upon her.

It’s funny how much the state of a room, a house, your shoes, or whatever personal item you own can say about the state of your own mind. When he parks in front of Beth’s house, he can see her in every unkempt detail as he nears her door: the overgrown grass, the piled papers and letters at her porch, the closed curtains and unlit rooms.

He knocks, once. Twice. He calls her name. But he can’t hear a noise inside. Was she out? Perhaps. In what state, he can’t say. He waits in his car, but after 20 minutes, he decides to retire for the day.

He repeats this routine a few times that week, but it all comes with the same results: no answer. Her phone gives no tone, no matter how many times he tried to call her. He starts to believe he imagined her at the store until he finds himself talking to Mr Smith, his boss, and he casually comments how he saw _that poor girl Harmon_ , the chess prodigy, at some jazz club a couple of days ago in a night out with his wife, drink in hand and lost gaze. He then continues with some comment on the pianist that night or something, but Harry lost interest in his story, he can only think about Beth: alone at a club, drinking and lost. He needs to reach her, but he has no idea what to do.

It seems the answer is in the picture of a man in a cowboy hat that he sees on his boss’ desk. Staring back at him from the cover of a magazine is Benny Watts. He knows from a common friend that Beth was at New York for over two months practicing with Watts before heading to Paris and after the Ohio Championship he got word that they were in friendly terms. He really wasn’t keeping tabs on her, but he still has friends in the chess world, and she was a big name to have in mind.

As soon as he got home, and after a brief inquire, he calls Benny Watts. Maybe he can reach her. He really hopes so.

* * *

**BETH**

She just can’t seem to find any reason to do anything anymore.

When she first arrived home from Paris, she was devastated but she still try to find her way back to chess and reason. Alma’s loss still hurt, especially at home.  
Then she received her lawyer’s call about the house and his “father”.  
‘I’ll buy it’.  
Easier said than done. But things didn’t seem so glum for a while. Her new wallpapers, her new pictures, her furniture. Her house. Everything seemed to be getting a little better.  
Until…

 **‘I miss you’** , he said.

 _‘I miss you too’_. That’s what she wanted to say. Instead he remained silent and later he got him mad with her attitude. She buried her feelings once again and started acting like she usually does, like she doesn’t care about anything or anyone. It’s way easier that way. It’s safer too. Everything is better that way.  
But one evening, after declining the help that could get her to Russia without much effort from her part, everything changed. It was downhill from the moment he hung the phone.

 **‘Don’t call me anymore’**.

She can’t remember when was the last time she talked to anybody. The last time she really was in the company of someone besides the occasional waiter at the bar or the sale’s lady of the liquor store. She stopped playing chess. She barely ate anymore. She mostly drank.  
_“How many bottles did she have left? What time is it?”_ she thinks while she pops another pill in her mouth. She’s lost count on how many she takes nowadays.  
There’s light outside, she guesses she still has time to go get some more wine. She grabs her keys and some cash, and she’s out.

 _“How beautiful”_ she thinks as she looks around through the crystal of and empty martini glass at the store. Her dark shades colour everything exactly as she feels, but she doesn’t really care anymore. She grabs her bag from the floor nearly tripping over her own feet, and she’s getting quickly away since she can feel somebody staring at her. She might no longer be sober but she likes to think that she can still have some decorum outside her house.  
She repeats her little journey to the store once a week. She always thinks she’s bought enough, but she always ends up drinking more. She starts to buy a couple of bottles more every time she goes now.

One evening she’s dancing and drinking and smoking, the music’s top volume, when she starts to feel funny. Lightheaded. She reaches out for a couple of pills but her flask is empty. _“Didn’t she open it this morning?”_ she tries to go around the living room table when she trips over the armchair. Laughing, she tries to get up, but suddenly everything is too much. She thinks she hears someone at her door, but all she sees is black.


	2. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little dramatic. But everything will be well.

**KENTUCKY  
** **BENNY**

He feels giddy. He could almost laugh at himself. When was the last time he did something like driving half a day to get a woman? Well, not get a woman really in that sense, but he can’t remember ever doing something like this for anyone. Like ever. Not even his family. Chess has always been a priority in his life. People… not so much.  
But Beth is something else entirely. And he has missed her. He still does, but he’s close now.  
He had time to think again and again what he wants to tell her. He had felt so terrible this past couple of months since she returned from Paris. He realized he cares about her, and he can’t deny it anymore. Even if she doesn’t want him, he needs to tell her. He almost feels hopeful about this resolution.

He follows the instructions Beltik gave him, until he reaches a house with loud music playing. “This has to be Beth’s” and yes, a quick number check confirms it. It looks nice, but a little neglected. He doesn’t like that. He remember her telling him about the renovations, her gardening… Nothing looks like the way she described it.  
He reaches the door and knocks once. Twice. No answer. The music is loud, but not so much to miss his knock or him calling her. At least that’s what he thinks.  
There’s little light inside, but he can’t see her around. He peeks trough the front window, the curtains a little ajar, and at first he doesn’t see a thing. No Beth. And then he sees it, just a little: a timid patch of red hair and a delicate pale hand, just around the corner of the sofa.

He can feel himself turn cold. Adrenaline shots trough him like an arrow.

Shock last just a couple of seconds before he turns back to the door and tries it. He doesn’t waste time thinking how unsafely has Beth been living when the door just opens.  
He runs to her side, and finds her passed out on the floor, next to the sofa.  
‘Beth, Beth!’ He says while he holds her face, afraid to move her in case she's hurt, ‘Please, Beth, can you hear me?’ she doesn't answer.  
But she barely opens her eyes. And the look she gives him feels like a slap. Her gaze is unfocused, and she looks at him like he doesn't know him. He wants to hit something.   
Himself probably. For underestimating her need of self-destruction. He told himself again and again that she would get over it eventually. He never met someone as strong as her and seeing her so small, so weak, it's devastating.   
She's barely conscious. He lifts her from the floor and takes her in his arms. Somewhere in between she seems to react somehow.  
‘Forgive me, Benny’, she whispers and he feels her relax in his arms as she closes her eyes.   
‘Beth! Hey!’ He doesn't know why but this doesn't feel right.  
Just as he thinks it, her hand slips from his grip and something falls from her hand into the carpet. He bends a little around her to get it: an empty little glass container.  
‘Librium’, he murmurs, ‘Shit’ Suddenly the adrenaline returns and he feels fear for the second time tonight. He needs to wake her up. Now.   
‘Beth! BETH!’ he cries, ‘please you need to wake up. BETH!’ He needs her to react so pinches her arm as hard as he can.  
She reacts suddenly and stares at him with startled eyes, barely there as he grabs her face gently.  
‘Beth’, he asks as calmly as he can, ‘how many pills did you take?’ he needs her to focus and answer him. She stares at him trough glassy eyes and says slowly ‘I don't know... I can't remember...’ she hesitates and adds ‘whole flask…?’   
He helps her to stand supporting all of her weight and says, ‘Ok Harmon, stay with me, but we need to get them out of you while we can’ as they walk towards the bathroom.

The last half and hour was possibly the most extreme he can remember in a long time. Somehow she wakes enough to let him help her trow up. He's relieved when she finishes and he can see a small handful of pills still intact. He's just exhausted and so is she. She only had pills and liquor in her system.  
She slumps in the bathroom floor and he takes her in his arms for a second time tonight, but now he takes her upstairs till he finds her room and sets her gently on the bed. She doesn't speak now exhaustion finally took over her. He sits in a nearby chair and watches her for a few moments giving him some time to think.

He's shaken to say the least. He starts to think in all the possible endings if he hadn't come when he did. She could had been okay or she could... no. He doesn't know that.   
But now he's really worried. His mind returns to the little flask. Librium. He knows that those are pretty strong sedatives. Has Beth been taking them daily or just this time?   
He stands and walks to the bathroom that he saw moments ago, when his eyes got a little reflection from the chiffonier next to the door: another flask, half full.  
A though comes to his head as he stands in the master bathroom and stares at the cabinet above the sink. He reaches for the handle with an almost shaky hand. There they are. At least half a dozen flasks full of those blue pills. How many more are they? He wonders sadly.

**BETH**

She wakes when the sun is shining bright trough her bedroom window. “Funny” she thinks, “when did I get myself in bed?” she’s trying to recall when was the last time she actually slept in her bed when he notices a hat that lays on the chair in the corner. She could recognize that hat anywhere.  
Suddenly the memories from last night hit her: him helping her up from the floor, his worried face and gentle hands, the mess of her. She feels tired and ashamed. Why did it have to be him of all people?

She needs to get a grip. She tries to get up, but she feels so weak.  
‘You scared the shit out of me, Harmon’ says a voice from her door. She doesn’t want to believe her eyes when he sees him standing just a couple of feet ways from her. Watching her with a serious expression in his face.  
‘Benny’ she murmurs.  
‘How are you feeling?’ he asks.  
‘Tired and weak mostly. And I want a shower.’ She answers softly.  
‘Well’ he says ‘I made some coffee and I can make you some eggs when you’re ready. But I didn’t find anything else, you’ll have to show me the way to the grocery store soon’ he adds. She nods.  
She knows the lack of food in her house; she just couldn’t make herself care about it. He turns to leave but she stops him.  
‘I’m sorry I let you down, Benny’ she says.  
He turns around to look at her, and he’s angry.  
‘Let me down?’ he says sadly ‘Beth, you don’t own me anything, and you don’t have to prove yourself to me. I’ll wait for you downstairs’ and with that he’s gone.

She doesn’t know what to think anymore, she decides while taking a bath. She thought he would be mad at her. All she saw in his eyes was sadness, and she doesn’t get it either. What is he even doing here? It’s not like she isn’t happy, after all she does care about him. She may have a shitty way of showing it, but he might be the only one who really gets her. She’s so confused right now.  
She takes a minute to look at her reflection while styling her hair. She has looked better if she’s honest with herself. Her usual clothes look a little baggy too, maybe she should buy some new ones. But well. It is what it is. With a final touch of lipstick she decides it’s time to face Benny.

**BENNY**

He can hear her upstairs and feels a little relieved. He really can’t believe everything that’s happen in the last 12 hours since he arrived. He never thought that she would be alone once he cut her off last time. But he’s never seen someone so alone.

He really thought that she has chosen drinking over him, but now he see she’s never had a choice really. He’s never been more wrong in his life.  
He watches her descends the stairs.

‘Fuck’ he mutters to himself, ‘what now?’ as she silently gets closer to the kitchen where he stands. He really doesn’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure about all the drunk-high incident, but I've always loved a little drama. Beth will be better. Benny's there to help her.


	3. Coming clean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to make it a combined 3rd person speech from now on and see how it works. It is very hard to write but fun! So any suggestions or feedback are very welcome! Thank you for reading, it’s a little bit surreal seeing how many people has read what I wrote, so thank you again!

She comes downstairs and notices him, watching her every move from the living room. She really doesn’t know how to begin to talk to him. Always so witty, but when facing what truly matters, she just fails.

‘Come, I’ll make you something to eat’ he says first. Beth hesitates. He notices her nervous stance.

‘You need food, Beth.’ He says softly.  
‘I’m not really hungry’ and she’s not. She wants a drink, that’s what she really needs.

She decides there’s no better moment than the present and begins bluntly ‘Benny… I’m sorry for how I behaved after coming from Paris. I know you said I didn’t owe you anything, but I really do.’ He looks at her with those brown eyes and she just wants him to leave and not be doing this, saying what she doesn’t want him to know, but she owes him this much. ‘While in New York you spend your time with me. You believed in me. It was so long since someone have done that, and I betrayed that.’

‘Beth…’ he begins but she doesn’t let him continue

‘No. I did’ she says and she can feel the tears forming in her eyes, ‘I ruined everything we did. It took me one drink to ruin it all. How could I face you after that? After weeks of being without a single drop’ she says and the tears start to fall ‘I was so ashamed, I felt so sad, so wretched. And I knew you wouldn’t let me do what I needed at that time. You said you did, but you didn’t know how bad I could get, and I really didn’t want you to see me like that. And in the end, here you are, and even though I feel happy to see you all I want is a drink.’ She sobs and begins to feel a little dizzy; she really can’t do this now. She thought she could, but it feels ten times worst than she thought.

Benny is petrified. He didn’t want to think of Beth as an addict, he really just thought she was a little lost and young and reckless; but listening her now, he begins to understands it's not like that.

‘Beth’ she’s not listening to him, she has her hands in her face, unable to look at him ‘let me say something now’ he removes her hands softly and holds them, his heart warms at her red tear-strained face, her eyes so vulnerable he can’t believe she’s the same cold minded girl that beat him so ruthlessly in Ohio.

‘You’re right, I didn’t know’ he says and Beth pales, feeling that any minute now he’s about to leave her an justly so, ‘Hey’ he holds her hands harder when he notices her demeanour and continues ‘I didn’t’ know, but now I do. If you let me, I want to know everything that happened since Paris and even before we met for the matter. I want to understand if you let me.’ _What has happened to her that she needs to do this to herself? Why?_

‘You don’t want to know’ she says softly

‘Oh, but I do Beth.” He really does. And she must see it in his eyes. Because she frees her hands and walks towards the sofa, stopping just a moment to get something from a box on top of the mantelpiece. She sits and invites Benny to do the same. He walks and sits beside her.

She bends a little forward and lays a little glass bottle, half filled with pills, on the coffee table before her. He has seen them before but it seems they’re all around the house. She’s silent for a few moments, gathering her thoughts. He waits for her to speak.

  
‘So... As you know I grew up in an orphanage. My mother had mental issues and my father ended up leaving us when I was around five. My mother killed herself when I was nine. She crashed the car we were on but I lived. I understood from a very young age that I wasn’t wanted. You see, my mother’s last words were “ _close your eyes”_ ; she wanted death for both of us’ she says with an eerie calm without looking at Benny, ‘after the crash, I was sent to Methuen Orphanage, where I lived from age nine to fifteen, when I was finally adopted.’ She finally looks at Benny and he is looking back at her with an impassive face, listening to her.

  
‘You know I began playing at nine, that I was taught by our custodian how to play chess, but what you don’t know is that during my first year at Methuen I was given alongside the other girls a couple of these pills’ she says pointing to the bottle in front of them, ‘every day. These pills helped me played better, helped me to remember everything I did, because they clouded my mind, yes, but they also gave me the space to concentrate only in one thing: chess’ she says the last part almost reverently.

Benny is trying really hard to keep his mind, but what Beth is telling him is getting really hard to digest. He’s no sure she realizes how those pills are not her solution, like she seems to get a better grip with booze, but that they might be her sentence if she keeps taking them. But he needs to keep it together if he wants to know everything.

‘How long did they gave you these?’ he asks

‘For about a year, maybe a little more, until they made them illegal for children consumption. But I did what I could to keep taking them.’

‘What do you mean?’ asks Benny, a little apprehensive,

‘After they stopped given them to us, I started to trade them with the younger girls at Methuen. You see… We never took them straight away, at least not me and some other girls. I just waited to have several of them, so I could have them all together at once. But some girls didn’t even take them at all they just spitted them later. I used to ask for them, kept them hidden. Until one day I was out. I was desperate, Benny’ she says looking at him, trying to make him understand ‘I was slowly detoxing but mi mind, my body, my heart… They couldn’t take it. I ended with an overdose at ten when I stole a giant jar of the remaining pills at the infirmary.’ She says looking away from him, and he is thankful because he’s completely shocked. _Overdosed at ten. Dammit._

Suddenly it’s as if Beth could tell what he’s thinking, because she turns to him and says, ‘Look, I know this is a lot to take in. Maybe we should stop.’ She’s actually very scared about telling all of these to Benny. Scared that he’ll leave any moment. And she wouldn’t blame him, not really. But he’s not scared, he’s just worry sick. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to help her, or if she would _want_ his help.

‘Please, don’t. I know that maybe this is a lot for you and if you need to stop, then yes, but don’t stop on my account.’ He says gently but firm with a little gesture of his hands. Beth nods, a little encouraged by his words. He’s not leaving right now at least.

‘After that they cut me off from chess as punishment, but as I said, I had a few pills left and through them I still played chess in my head. At fifteen I left Methuen, I was adopted. And even with a new family, history repeated itself. My adoptive father left us, my new mother got depressed and drank a lot but I got chess back… And the pills. You see, Alma took them too; I just stole them from her. The rest you know. We travelled; I played chess and earn money. Everything was quite peaceful for a while. Even happy.’ She stops for a few seconds, but then continues.

‘I started drinking at fifteen. A drink here and there with Alma, a stolen bottle at some party… And when I started to dress more nicely, nobody suspected my real age; I just took whatever I want. And then there was always beer at home, so I always had alcohol at hand. It was my escape from reality’ she says looking in front of her.

‘Didn’t your mother know?’ he asks sadly unable to help himself.

‘I thinks she suspected it’ she says softly,

‘Jesus, Beth.’ He sighs.

‘I know.’ She sighs too.

‘When my mother died, I thought I was going to go insane actually. It was like some big joke, you know? Both fathers gone, both mothers dead and I was left alone once again. In Mexico this time, after my first failed match with Borgov. When I arrived here, my life was a mess. I think the only reason I never touched bottom was Harry. He saved my life in a way. I’ll always be in his debt, even after the horrible way I treated him, he always tried to make me happy’ she says ashamed.

‘Don’t worry about him, I’m sure he’s forgiven you already’ he says in a neutral tone but looks at her in a funny way.

‘What is it?’ Beth asks, surprised with his change

‘Nothing, continue’ he says looking away from her. He shouldn’t really be jealous of Harry _fucking_ Beltik, but he is. He has no right, but he can’t help it.

‘There really isn’t much to tell now. I somehow got control of my life, went to Ohio, beat you and well, the rest you know.’ She says evasively.

He takes a moment and then says ‘I know some parts. I know you screw it at Paris Beth, but seriously. Why take it so hard on you? What was so different from the times before? Why couldn’t you let me be with you? To keep you company at least’ and then he’s just talking his heart out, ‘to be here for you, to be able to help you somehow if you needed it. Did you know how I felt when I knocked here on your door and you didn’t answer? When I caught a glimpse of you on the floor? I nearly lost my head. I thought you were gone.’ He says frustrated and hurt. ‘It’s not like I don’t understand what you went trough, that you did what you could to cope with every shit that was thrown at you. I can clearly see how alone you’ve been your whole life. Loss after loss. But couldn’t you see I was there for you as I am now? That I wasn’t planning on leaving you alone? That I actually wanted for you to come back from Paris to me?’ he asks looking into her eyes with an intensity that overwhelms her.

‘No’ she says shocked ‘No, you shouldn’t care for me’ she stands up and starts to walk around the table, getting away from him.

‘Why are you doing this to me?’ she says scared, like he said something hurtful instead of a freaking love declaration of the sorts.

‘Beth, I never drove for fourteen hours for anyone or anything else besides chess. And certainly not for a girl who rejected me repeatedly. I’m not sure what I feel for you, but a certainly know that I care for you enough to do anything in my power to make you happy in anyway I can. I’m not a saviour or a saint, far from it. I have my own battles to fight, as you do. All I’m asking is that you allow me to fight alongside you.’ he says as he walks around the table to reach her.

‘Believe me when I say that I’m not leaving. Not unless you want me to’ he adds suddenly scared of her answer.

But Beth is silently staring at him and she can’t describe what she’s feeling. It’s a mix between fear, admiration, happiness, awe and something else she hasn’t fell before in her life; _hope_. So she cries.

Benny reaches out for her, and she doesn’t hesitate when he pulls her against him in a crushing embrace. She folds her arms around her as if her life depended on it and whispers against his chest ‘What if I can’t leave them?’ she asked, her voice muffled by his shirt.

He gently loses his grip on her, enough to be able to look her in the eyes adoringly, and whipping her tears he says ‘If that’s what you really want, if you allowed me, I’ll help you even if the last thing I do in this life’ he swears.

She looks back, _maybe I just want you_ , but instead she says ‘It is’ and smiles.

He doesn’t hesitates when he lowers his head and kisses her.


End file.
